"Why?" Over and Over

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
Affaircare

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WHY: [The betrayed spouse asks], “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

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First, a disclaimer: This reading might be helpful for you, either because it clarifies something for you or because you want support from your cheater and it helps them help you. But while a loving and remorseful cheater can be a positive influence on your recovery, your healing is ultimately your responsibility. Don't attempt to outsource it to anyone (and especially not the person who just betrayed you)!

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"Why?"

The first few months, even as I asked it, I knew Drew wouldn't be able to really answer the question. There hadn't been enough time for him to figure out how he could do what he did, let alone explain it to me.

I didn't even always want him to try to answer, because I didn't want to get sucked into helping him figure it out. I didn't want to waste any time or mental energy on him.

Yet I couldn't stop asking - I wanted to shout it to the world. Why? Why??

When we ask "Why?", we think we are asking "Why did you do this?" But quickly that becomes "Why did you do this to me?" or even just simply "Why me?" And as soon as the question becomes about us, we try to answer it. Was it because I never lost the baby weight? Because I didn't catch him withdrawing? Because I . . .?

No.

Cheaters don't cheat because of what you did or because of what you didn't do. They cheated for some personal reason - because they have unresolved issues, because they aren't able to handle conflict, because they want out of the marriage, because they wanted to be someone else, and/or because they're entitled jerks. Or because of something else. But, no matter what they might say, they cheated because they allowed themselves to cheat. Not because of something you did.

It's not fair. You didn't deserve it. It happened anyways.

If they want to, if they really work at it, cheaters might be able to answer the question of why they did what they did - and, if you're considering reconciliation, they have to be able to answer it to both of your satisfaction and figure out how to avoid ever betraying you again. Drew is working on answering the question of why he cheated. He thinks he has an answer; I think he has the beginning of one.

But, as important as it is for Drew to figure out why he did what he did for his own personal growth and to our chance at reconciliation, this readings helped me see that my "Why?"s were never about his answer.

I wasn't even actually asking a question - the question itself was a cry of pain.