Affaircare
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APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.
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HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”
These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:
- A statement of gratitude.
- An expression of your love.
- An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.
- An admission that you caused their pain.
- An expression of your sense of shame.
- A promise that it will never happen again
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First, the usual disclaimer for everything with the "Resources" tag: This reading might be helpful for you, either because it clarifies something for you or because you want support from your cheater and it helps them help you. But while a loving and remorseful cheater can be a positive influence on your recovery, your healing is ultimately your responsibility. Don't attempt to outsource it to anyone (and especially not the person who just betrayed you)!
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Drew used to be one of those people who couldn't say he was sorry. He'd listen to me and say he understood how I could be upset, or he'd be extra helpful around the house, or he'd admit that he'd been wrong about something. But he couldn't put the word "I'm" next to "sorry." He couldn't apologize.
Boy, that's changed.
Not only has he had to learn how to apologize - often - he's had to learn how to apologize well. Which can sometimes be a heartfelt "I'm sorry," but usually it requires so much more. Sometimes a good apology entails anticipating a trigger while we're out and squeezing my hand, sometimes it means witnessing my pain or rage and apologizing for creating the whole situation, sometimes it means being attentive to and apologizing for a specific aspect of the fallout.
The other day, after listening to me rail for a while about something someone had said about us and how deeply it had affected me, he said that he realized that one of the most damaging things he had done was to have robbed me of my confidence in my own judgment. That it was fundamental to who I was, one of the traits he loved about me, and one which he knew I would develop again - but he could see that, at least right now, I didn't have it, and he could see how destabilizing that is for me.
That was one of the better apologies I've gotten. Not only did he witness my pain, not only did he take responsibility for it - he saw it, he understood it. And he reminded me that I'm going to be ok.
I am responsible for my healing. But it is nice to have help.
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