The Questions You Should Be Asking

Why You Should Stop Asking "Why" . . . And Instead Ask "Why Bother"
Elle

"Men don't cheat because of who she is, they cheat because of who they're not."
~Charles J. Orlando, author of "The Problem with Women...Is Men"

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Your task, post-betrayal, is to keep yourself strong. No easy task. It means extreme self-care – avoiding anyone who isn't loyal to you; it means avoiding any commitment that makes you feel more vulnerable; it means eating and sleeping; it means avoiding excess (or any!) alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping or other means of numbing your feelings. And it means stopping, at least for now, asking "why".

Your husband likely can't tell you. Not really. People who cheat aren't generally the most self-aware. They can learn self-awareness and the fallout from cheating often spurs them in that direction. Decent people who cheat are often so disgusted with themselves that they want to know how they were able to do such a thing in order to ensure they'll never do it again. But there are plenty of guys equally disgusted with themselves who simply can't admit that – it's far easier to blame something outside of themselves (your work schedule; their boss) than own up to their moral failing.

The first group generally make rebuilding a marriage as easy as it can be (which, frankly, still isn't easy); the second make it a whole lot harder and should prompt you to ask whether or not it's worth trying. Without a clear understanding of how people can use other people to avoid feeling pain or shame or loneliness or stress, there's little to prevent them from doing it again.

As Charles J. Orlando points out in the quote above, men cheat because of what's missing in them, because of who they're not. Who they're not is a guy who recognizes when he's seeking escape in an unhealthy way. Who they're not is a guy who recognizes the damage created by cheating before he does it.

Instead of asking why he cheated, the question you should be asking is why – and if – he deserves the chance to rebuild your marriage. It's the question he should be asking himself too.

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Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

"Why?" Over and Over

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
Affaircare

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WHY: [The betrayed spouse asks], “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

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A Temporary Sense of Self-Righteousness

Anger Problems: What They Say About You
Steven Stosny

Anger is the primary protective emotion, designed to protect us from harm or from loss of something of value. The most physical of all emotions, anger sends action signals to the muscles and organs of the body to prepare us for one purpose and one purpose only: to neutralize or defeat the perceived threat.

Two factors go into the formulation of anger: current vulnerability and magnitude of the perceived threat. Relatively little threat will cause anger when vulnerability is elevated, for example when physical resources are low - you're tired, hungry, sick, injured, depressed, anxious, stressed - or when self-doubt is high, making you more easily insulted.

Problem anger (that which leads you to act against your long-term best interests) is caused by high vulnerability. It is the most self-revealing of emotional states, pointing directly to a powerful cause of vulnerability: a sudden drop in core value.

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[I]f you blame your unfair behavior on someone else - a spouse or boss or the IRS - you will become angry or resentful and utterly powerless to restore genuine self-regard. That's right, while angry or resentful, it is nearly impossible for you to restore self-regard on your own, because now it requires that someone submit to what you want. The best you can hope for while angry or resentful is a temporary sense of self-righteousness.

When out of touch with your deepest values, you are more likely to act on ego - how you expect other people to regard you. Once again, your self-regard will depend not on what you do, but on the regard of others (who are likely to be preoccupied with their own self-regard.) In short, you will be become more vulnerable. Because it is controlled by others, ego requires manipulating the impressions of others to preserve and lots of resentment and anger to defend. Preserving and defending your ego will usually lead to violating your deepest values.

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Overcoming anger problems requires much more than managing the emotional feelings and physiological arousal of anger, as anger management classes strive to do. Eliminating anger problems depends on a choice of what kind of person you want to be - an angry, resentful person who struggles to manage negative feelings and arousal, or one who lives securely in your core value.

Unknowing Victims, Hidden Harms

The Cheater's High

Robert Weiss

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For both genders, one reason for cheating, according to a study published last year, may be that “getting away with it” simply makes people feel good, emotionally and psychologically. While this research did not deal specifically with sexual activity, it did look at unethical behavior in general, and the findings can certainly be extrapolated to sexual activity.  

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[G]iven the right circumstances—the cheating is perceived as victimless and there is no looming punishment—people actually tend to feel good about cheating, despite their moral and ethical beliefs.

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All told, the results of the six trials in this study fly in the face of the long-held belief that unethical behavior triggers bad feelings in most people. The research showed instead that people may in fact enjoy the process of “getting away with something,” thanks to built-in neurobiological rewards of excitement and arousal. And it appears this is doubly true if and when they think their unethical behavior is not harming anyone. 

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[T]he aforementioned research did not directly look at sexual or romantic infidelity. But sexual betrayal does in many ways mesh with the types of cheating studied, in that most people who cheat on their spouses and partners choose to view their behavior as harmless and victimless, reasoning that “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” And the fact that cheaters do often get away with their behavior, sometimes repeatedly and over long periods of time, merely reinforces this distortion.

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As a clinician who specializes in the treatment of sexual disorders, I have worked with literally hundreds of men and women who have cheated on their committed partners. And I’ve heard every rationalization, justification, and minimization imaginable (and more than a few that are seemingly beyond imagination), but the primary rationalization nearly always boils down to some form of the following: “As long as he (or she) doesn’t find out, what difference does it make?” 

In other words, nearly every cheater I’ve ever worked with has convinced himself or herself that he or she is not hurting anyone. And this belief that what they are doing is victimless, coupled with their ability to repeatedly get away with it, allows them to experience the cheater's high. 

In reality, of course, sexual infidelity is far from victimless. Spouses and other family members are hurt by the cheater even before the infidelity is discovered, as active cheaters tend to be emotionally distant from loved ones; less sexual, physical, or loving toward their spouse; and also less available. Further, to get away with infidelity over and over again, cheaters often tell lies that make no sense, spend money or time that they don’t have, etc. 

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Untangling the Skein

Untangling the Skein of Fuckupedness
Chump Lady

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Figuring out the cheater is energy directed at THEM, which is energy deflected away from YOURSELF. You’re asking why they are this way, instead of asking yourself the harder question of  — why am I hanging around this megabitch who’s not my friend?

I call this stage “Untangling the Skein of Fuckupedness.”

The skein is impossible, but by GOD, you’re going to unknot it, piece by piece, make it linear and you WILL understand it.

Untangling the skein of fuckupedness is a coping mechanism. You want to figure out what makes your cheater tick so you can ensure that they never do anything so devastatingly hurtful again. If it’s their FOO issues with their mom, well, you’ll call and make that counseling appointment for them. Untangling the skein is codependent behavior. Not only will you make the counseling appointments, next you’ll get your magic marker and highlight all the relevant chapters in the affair books you bought for them on Amazon.

Stop it! Stop it right now! It’s not your job to figure them out! You only get to figure out YOU. What your values are, what you will tolerate, and what is acceptable and unacceptable to YOU. That’s it.

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