The Questions You Should Be Asking

Why You Should Stop Asking "Why" . . . And Instead Ask "Why Bother"
Elle

"Men don't cheat because of who she is, they cheat because of who they're not."
~Charles J. Orlando, author of "The Problem with Women...Is Men"

[...]

Your task, post-betrayal, is to keep yourself strong. No easy task. It means extreme self-care – avoiding anyone who isn't loyal to you; it means avoiding any commitment that makes you feel more vulnerable; it means eating and sleeping; it means avoiding excess (or any!) alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping or other means of numbing your feelings. And it means stopping, at least for now, asking "why".

Your husband likely can't tell you. Not really. People who cheat aren't generally the most self-aware. They can learn self-awareness and the fallout from cheating often spurs them in that direction. Decent people who cheat are often so disgusted with themselves that they want to know how they were able to do such a thing in order to ensure they'll never do it again. But there are plenty of guys equally disgusted with themselves who simply can't admit that – it's far easier to blame something outside of themselves (your work schedule; their boss) than own up to their moral failing.

The first group generally make rebuilding a marriage as easy as it can be (which, frankly, still isn't easy); the second make it a whole lot harder and should prompt you to ask whether or not it's worth trying. Without a clear understanding of how people can use other people to avoid feeling pain or shame or loneliness or stress, there's little to prevent them from doing it again.

As Charles J. Orlando points out in the quote above, men cheat because of what's missing in them, because of who they're not. Who they're not is a guy who recognizes when he's seeking escape in an unhealthy way. Who they're not is a guy who recognizes the damage created by cheating before he does it.

Instead of asking why he cheated, the question you should be asking is why – and if – he deserves the chance to rebuild your marriage. It's the question he should be asking himself too.

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Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

My last post was on what I was really asking when I asked "Why?" over and over - in reviewing it, it reminded me of something I had read on BWC ages ago. So I googled around and - lo and behold - I apparently was mostly just restating Elle's excellent advice. So, please, read Elle's whole post here.

The part I didn't repeat - which deserves more attention - is that when you find yourself asking your cheater, "Why did you do this?" you might instead start asking him (and yourself) "Why should I consider giving you another chance?"

And instead of asking yourself "Why did this happen to me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" you might try asking "With what kind of person do I want to spend my one precious life?" and "What do I want to do?"