A Knowing That She Was Okay

So Much More
Terri St. Cloud

yes, there was sadness,
but there was so much more.
belief in herself.
strength that kept growing
and a knowing that she was okay.
and would always be okay.
no one could take that away now.

D-Day was hell. The night following was worse.

The day after, I was bizarrely euphoric.

The worst had happened.* Given my personal family history, Drew had betrayed me in the worst way possible. He had done what I knew he could never do to me. Drew had done what I thought would break me beyond repair - what I thought would destroy me. 

So why the euphoria? How could I possibly be happy (even manically so)?

Because the worst was over - and I wasn't destroyed.

I didn't feel okay, not yet, but I knew that I was. I knew that my life was going to be hell for the indeterminate future, that all paths forward were going to require an incredible amount of work. But I was going to make it through intact. Altered, but fundamentally intact.

I just kept thinking: I have an amazing family. My family is me and my girls, and we are amazing. We are going to have a wonderful life.

It might be just the three of us, going forward, and that will be alright, because we are amazing. Some man might earn his way into our family, and that will be alright, because he will have to earn his way in by proving that he is also amazing. That man might be Drew, and if it is, that will be alright, because he can only earn his way back in by being particularly amazing. But right now, my family is me and my girls, and we are amazing.

I know I will always be okay - and no one and nothing can ever take that core truth away now.

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* Don't get me wrong, I'd take Drew's infidelities over something happening to my daughters in a hot second. But while something happening to my daughters would be objectively far worse, it wouldn't threaten the essence of who I am - my trust in myself, how I engage with the world - in the same way. I have always believed that I could handle tragedy, but that personal betrayal would destroy me. That's what I mean when I say, "The worst had happened."