Behind the Eight Ball

Without a Doubt: Coping with Indecision
Elle 

The overwhelming question once we've learned about our husband's affair (apart from "what the HELL was he thinking?" and "how can I make it look like an accident") is whether we should stay in the marriage, or toss him out. 

Oh, to have a crystal ball. Or even a Magic 8 ball that offers up something more decisive than "Ask again later". 

Perhaps better than relying on outside oracles is to learn to tap into our own.

[...] 

[W]hen your focus is on the time and energy you've invested in an endeavour [or person] rather than the love, joy, and gratification you've gained, you're probably settling. It doesn't matter if you've spent five years or thirty with someone if many of those years have been unfulfilling. But if you can honestly say that, within the time you've invested, you've experienced much joy and contentment, then it might be worth a second chance. The emphasis isn't on the investment but on the returns you've already experienced. 

When you're making excuses about why you should stay put rather than going for what you truly want, you're probably settling. Sometimes we truly need to stay put in order to create circumstances that allow us to leave safely. But it's important to be honest with yourself about whether those reasons for staying are legitimate or simply excuses to allow indecision. If you stay, make sure that's a choice and not an abdication of choice. Similarly, if you leave, make sure it's a choice and not something you feel you should do because that's what our culture would have you believe. 

Perhaps the wisest question we can ask is that age-old Ann Landers nugget: Am I better off with him or without him? 

If you can't hear your inner oracle over the deafening sound of your own breaking heart and our culture's collective roar to kick him to the curb, then the wisest course of action might be what the Magic 8 Ball recommends: Ask again later.

 ***

Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

Trust of One's Self

Post-Traumatic Relationship Syndrome
ProQuest Information and Learning Company

[...]

Not only does attachment trauma bring up issues regarding trust of others, but it also raises issues of trust of one's self by calling into question one's judgement of character. How one's view of others could be so erroneous becomes a puzzle, and if one's assessment of character was so wrong in the case of the perpetrator, how does one know that the assessment of the character of others in one's social world is accurate?

[...]

The Next Right Thing

Crystal Balls and Stepping Into The Next Right Thing
Elle

[...]

[O]ur feelings, which so many of us spend considerable time and effort trying to avoid, are simply guides. They are our "personal prophets" pointing the way toward the next right thing. [...] Not THE right thing.  But the NEXT right thing. Big difference.

Let me explain.

Many of us, post D-Day [...] spend the next weeks and months mentally spinning in terror because we're faced with a HUGE decision. Do we stay and rebuild our marriage? Or leave and rebuild a life without him? I spent about two years in that suspended state of fear. Stay or go? My hand constantly on the door handle. My bags metaphorically packed. "One wrong move, buddy..." could have been my motto.

Of course, underscoring that BIG QUESTION is the deeper fear: Will my heart be broken again?

[...]

I wish I could guarantee that every guy who cheats works tirelessly to become a man who deserves that second (or sometimes third) chance.

Some guys do exactly that, of course, and their marriages become stronger and richer as a result. But we all also know that many do not. That many squander that second (or third) chance and break their wives' hearts all over again.

In the absence of a crystal ball, you need to pay attention to those feelings, those "personal prophets".

They can't predict THE right thing to do, but they can guide toward the NEXT right thing.

[P]erhaps the NEXT right thing is to pour yourself a cup of tea and watch your baby sleep instead of asking your spouse, for a zillionth time, why he cheated.

Perhaps the NEXT right thing is to make an appointment to see a lawyer and figure out your financial situation in case you decide you can't stay in the marriage. Perhaps the NEXT right thing is to change the locks. Or maybe it's to have coffee with a friend who you can trust with your pain.

Living this way eliminates [...] eliminates the paralysis that comes with trying to make decisions that you're simply not ready to make. Whether or not to end the marriage? Maybe that's your NEXT right thing...but maybe you just need to separate. Or sleep in separate bedrooms. Or take a weekend holiday together.

Pay attention to those personal prophets and let them guide you to your NEXT right thing.

***

Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

This is Beginning Ever

Doing, a filthy pleasure is, and short
Gaius Petronius (trans. Ben Jonson)

Doing, a filthy pleasure is, and short;
And done, we straight repent us of the sport:
Let us not then rush blindly on unto it,
Like lustful beasts, that only know to do it:
For lust will languish, and that heat decay.
But thus, thus, keeping endless holiday,
Let us together closely lie and kiss,
There is no labour, nor no shame in this;
This hath pleased, doth please, and long will please; never
Can this decay, but is beginning ever.