Bad Advice For Cheaters

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
Affaircare

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PHYSICAL CONTACT: [A betrayed partner] may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

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First, the usual disclaimer for everything with the "Resources" tag: This reading might be helpful for you, either because it clarifies something for you or because you want support from your cheater and it helps them help you. But while a loving and remorseful cheater can be a positive influence on your recovery, your healing is ultimately your responsibility. Don't attempt to outsource it to anyone (and especially not the person who just betrayed you)!

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Today I am writing directly to the remorseful cheater. If that's you, and you are searching for ways to support the person you have betrayed, good. This reading in its entirety is an excellent introduction to how you can help.

And even this excerpted section on sex-post-betrayal has some useful advice. Be prepared for your partner to be newly self-conscious, to react to unwanted mental images and burst into tears or withdraw, to be uncomfortable with or overly interested in physical intimacy. See and be patient with the pain, apologize for creating the situation, be reassuring and empathetic.

But for the love of all that is good and holy, NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TRY SURPRISING YOUR BETRAYED PARTNER WITH SOMETHING NEW SEXUALLY.

(Now is not really the time to "surprise" your betrayed partner with anything, save perhaps for spontaneous expressions of love or thoughtful gifts. Or - go whole hog and give a truly meaningful symbol of your commitment - a generous post-nup that puts your money where your mouth is.)

If you try to surprise your hurting and scared partner with something new, I can pretty much guarantee that will play out as follows:

The Betrayed Partner (BP) and Remorseful Cheater (RC) are kissing - kissing becomes caressing, caressing becomes passion, passion results in BP laying back, legs spread, with RC going down on BP.

RC thinks: Hey, that reading suggested I surprise BP with something new. Hmmm - I've never rimmed BP. Maybe I'll try that, maybe BP will really like that!

And so RC starts rimming BP.

BP thinks: This is feeling really good. I'm nervous, I don't want to let my guard down, but maybe I can just relax for a bit and enjoy - WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? RC IS LICKING MY ASSHOLE? WE NEVER DID THAT - IS THAT WHAT RC DID WITH THE OTHER PERSON? IS THAT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON DID TO RC?

Cue poisonous mind movies, withdrawal/rage/tears.

There is a time and place for sexual surprises. This is not it.