Behind the Eight Ball

Without a Doubt: Coping with Indecision
Elle 

The overwhelming question once we've learned about our husband's affair (apart from "what the HELL was he thinking?" and "how can I make it look like an accident") is whether we should stay in the marriage, or toss him out. 

Oh, to have a crystal ball. Or even a Magic 8 ball that offers up something more decisive than "Ask again later". 

Perhaps better than relying on outside oracles is to learn to tap into our own.

[...] 

[W]hen your focus is on the time and energy you've invested in an endeavour [or person] rather than the love, joy, and gratification you've gained, you're probably settling. It doesn't matter if you've spent five years or thirty with someone if many of those years have been unfulfilling. But if you can honestly say that, within the time you've invested, you've experienced much joy and contentment, then it might be worth a second chance. The emphasis isn't on the investment but on the returns you've already experienced. 

When you're making excuses about why you should stay put rather than going for what you truly want, you're probably settling. Sometimes we truly need to stay put in order to create circumstances that allow us to leave safely. But it's important to be honest with yourself about whether those reasons for staying are legitimate or simply excuses to allow indecision. If you stay, make sure that's a choice and not an abdication of choice. Similarly, if you leave, make sure it's a choice and not something you feel you should do because that's what our culture would have you believe. 

Perhaps the wisest question we can ask is that age-old Ann Landers nugget: Am I better off with him or without him? 

If you can't hear your inner oracle over the deafening sound of your own breaking heart and our culture's collective roar to kick him to the curb, then the wisest course of action might be what the Magic 8 Ball recommends: Ask again later.

 ***

Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

So. After eight months of living separately, I am considering asking Drew to move back in. For various reasons, which all boil down to the simple fact that I'm happier when he's around.

I went on a long-planned vacation without him a few weeks ago. And I missed him. I didn't just miss the what-it-was-supposed-to-have-been - although I missed that too. I missed him, us - the who he is now, the us we are now.

But this is scary. Very scary. We're not going to get the same kind of breaks from interacting, from the smog that surrounds us, as we do now. There's also the fear that if this doesn't work out, that'll be it. We're not up for another round of living in limbo. Also, the hurt little kid inside also still wants to punish Drew, to tell him he's been kicked out of Eden forever.

But the scariest part, by far, is that by asking him to come back, I'll be taking the first concrete step towards making a decision - towards reconciliation. That little kid inside is so damn scared of being vulnerable again -

So I'm reading and re-reading every piece that offered thoughtful advice on whether to risk inviting someone who has hurt you back into your life again. And Elle is one of the best writers online on this subject.

This piece forced me to think about how much I valued the marriage I did have with Drew, how much fun we had, how good we were together. I'm not angry that he did what he did after the amount of time we had been together; instead, one of the many reasons I'm angry that he did what he did was because he was risking our great life, great relationship, great love. That would have been equally true had we been together five, ten, twenty years.

It also helped me realize that I could be making excuses for staying, but I'm not. I'm not saying it's because he's supporting the family while I get through the last year of my PhD, or for the kids' sake, or whatever - quite the opposite. These and other practical reasons would all gild the lily if we can rebuild our relationship, but they're not my reasons for rebuilding.

For a long time I couldn't hear what I wanted over my pain and anger and fear. I am still having a hard time trusting myself. But that inner voice is getting clearer. I am getting ready to open again - with Drew.

I may be behind the eight ball, but I'm starting to believe I can make this shot.

(And, I also know deep down that, if I miss, it will be okay.)