Unknowing Victims, Hidden Harms

The Cheater's High

Robert Weiss

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For both genders, one reason for cheating, according to a study published last year, may be that “getting away with it” simply makes people feel good, emotionally and psychologically. While this research did not deal specifically with sexual activity, it did look at unethical behavior in general, and the findings can certainly be extrapolated to sexual activity.  

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[G]iven the right circumstances—the cheating is perceived as victimless and there is no looming punishment—people actually tend to feel good about cheating, despite their moral and ethical beliefs.

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All told, the results of the six trials in this study fly in the face of the long-held belief that unethical behavior triggers bad feelings in most people. The research showed instead that people may in fact enjoy the process of “getting away with something,” thanks to built-in neurobiological rewards of excitement and arousal. And it appears this is doubly true if and when they think their unethical behavior is not harming anyone. 

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[T]he aforementioned research did not directly look at sexual or romantic infidelity. But sexual betrayal does in many ways mesh with the types of cheating studied, in that most people who cheat on their spouses and partners choose to view their behavior as harmless and victimless, reasoning that “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” And the fact that cheaters do often get away with their behavior, sometimes repeatedly and over long periods of time, merely reinforces this distortion.

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As a clinician who specializes in the treatment of sexual disorders, I have worked with literally hundreds of men and women who have cheated on their committed partners. And I’ve heard every rationalization, justification, and minimization imaginable (and more than a few that are seemingly beyond imagination), but the primary rationalization nearly always boils down to some form of the following: “As long as he (or she) doesn’t find out, what difference does it make?” 

In other words, nearly every cheater I’ve ever worked with has convinced himself or herself that he or she is not hurting anyone. And this belief that what they are doing is victimless, coupled with their ability to repeatedly get away with it, allows them to experience the cheater's high. 

In reality, of course, sexual infidelity is far from victimless. Spouses and other family members are hurt by the cheater even before the infidelity is discovered, as active cheaters tend to be emotionally distant from loved ones; less sexual, physical, or loving toward their spouse; and also less available. Further, to get away with infidelity over and over again, cheaters often tell lies that make no sense, spend money or time that they don’t have, etc. 

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This article encapsulates Drew's biggest justification for his cheating (while it was occurring). He somehow convinced himself that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. That it was his own little secret. That he could keep it from affecting our life together.

He also says, now, that he can recognize how wrong that was. How his affairs were creating distance between us, how his secrets were corrosive and dangerous.

And you know what? I can understand that. I can understand pretending to oneself that it is possible to compartamentalize away the kinds of affairs he had. I can understand how a mild hookup with a friend was hot and exciting - and, when he got away with it, it seemed like victimless fun. I can understand how that experience made a hookup with another friend a year and a half later seem - if not ok, at least not all that bad. Still victimless. It's harder for me to understand how that led to Craigslist and Ashley Madison affairs - he seems to think the first two hookups opened up the possibility of cheating and getting away with it, at which point other issues had fertile ground for flowering. But ok. I can understand that he has issues I don't, and that they might (did) manifest in this way.

Except.

Except he has seen firsthand how cheating isn't a victimless crime. He has seen firsthand how discovery of such betrayals can destroy a family.

Namely, mine.

A few months after Drew and I were engaged, my mom came to visit. She sat us down and announced that she and my dad were divorcing. Because she had recently found out that he had been cheating on her since before I was born, with hundreds of women.

And I lost it. For months. My entire happy childhood - gone. My lifetime of memories - tainted. And my biggest source of strength? Drew.

He went through the hell that was learning about my father's infidelities, the extent of my father's lies, with me.

And then, four years later, he began recreating my and my family's worst nightmare.

It's incredibly tempting to try to understand a cheater. And, if you are going to stay with someone who betrayed you, you need to be able to understand, at least intellectually, how they were able to do what they did (if only to be more confident that they understand it and are addressing it). And this article helped me see how it might be possible for an otherwise moral, ethical person to feel good about cheating. Especially if he can convince himself that the unknowing victim isn't affected, that the hidden harms aren't there.

What I can't get is how, after witnessing me and my family falling apart, Drew could convince himself of that.

At which point I remind myself that it's not my job to untangle his skein. This is work for him and his therapist. Not for me. I can wait and see if the explanations he comes up with makes sufficient sense, to see if he seems able and willing to work on whatever character traits or neuroses or issues allowed him to do what he did - or I can stop waiting and get on with my life without him.

Either way, as diverting as it is, my job right now is not attempting to understand him. That's his responsibility. My work is parenting my daughters, navigating my family's reopened wounds, and taking care of myself.