Affaircare
[...]
They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse.
[...]
It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony.
[...]
As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”
The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?
[...]
So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:
- What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.
- Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.
- You can be a positive influence on their recovery.
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.
Your first mission is to learn.
Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
[...]
Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.
[Descriptions of the range of emotions and reactions a betrayed partner experiences: disbelief, shock, reality, confusion, physical symptoms, crying, self-control, need to know, asking why, injustice, inadequacy, repeating, idealizing, frustration, bitterness, waiting, emotions in conflict, triggers.]
[Descriptions of what the betrayer can do to help, including getting into therapy, apologizing, recognizing your partner wants to get better, hiding nothing and opening everything, spending time together, physical touch, sharing feelings of guilt and shame, letting them know you are happy to recommit.]
[Descriptions of subsequent stages for the betrayed partner, including hope, commitment,seeking, peace, life opening up, and forgiveness.]
I've been writing a bit lately about attempting to understand cheaters - specifically, Drew - and the associated risk of spending too much of one's time and mental energy on that puzzle. Most of my posts, however, have been on the importance of learning about traumatic responses to infidelity, reconstructing your narrative, listening to yourself, and caring for yourself - in short, understanding yourself.
This reading is also useful in understanding yourself - but unlike the other pieces, its intended audience is the remorseful cheater, and its primary aim is to help them understand what you are going through. I want to reflect on a couple different points this article raises, which I will likely tackle in a series of different posts. Today, I just want to focus on its main overarching message: a loving and remorseful cheater can be a positive influence on a betrayed partner's healing.
But first, a warning. Use this piece to better understand what you are experiencing, use this piece to explain to yourself and others what you need or why you are reacting a certain way. Do not use it - as I initially did - as a list of what your cheater should do so that you can feel better. Doing so puts the power of your recovery in your cheater's hands, instead of where it belongs: in your own. A loving and remorseful cheater can help with your recovery, but they are not responsible for your healing. You are.
Ok. PSA out of the way - back to the reading and how a person who hurt you more than anyone else has could nonetheless possibly be a positive influence in your life.
The day after D-Day, I was possessed with an incredible and incredibly comforting knowledge - that the next year or so was going to be absolute hell, but that I was ultimately going to be alright. I knew I was hurt, badly - I didn't yet know how traumatized I actually was - but I also knew that I would be ok.
I've experienced some extreme lows since that day, but I've always been able to come back to that insight, that I was going to be ok. I'm not there yet - not by a long shot! - but when I consider where I was a month, three months, five months ago, I can recognize the progress I've made. And I can see a future in which I am a happy, trusting person, a person capable of modeling a healthy relationship for my daughters.
Perhaps the only reason I can consider that relationship being with Drew is because he has been so supportive in so many ways. Which is not to say he always says or does the right thing - a couple of particularly rough moments stand out in my mind - but on average he's been great and, more importantly, that average seems to be improving.
I am sure that I could have and would have reached a similar point without Drew's support - but it would have taken a lot longer (not least because I would probably have begun divorce proceedings by now). And this article summarizes many of the ways he has helped me.
As this article anticipates, Drew was shocked by the extent of my agony, by how traumatized I was. He didn't get why I was suffering so much more than he ever imagined I might if I found out (or than he might if the situation was reversed). He also found/finds it incredibly painful to see my pain. (I know, I know. Poor him. But still - just because he caused it and just because I am suffering terribly, doesn't mean he's not suffering too, both personally and vicariously.)
Drew couldn't have helped me without first attempting to learn more about what I was going through. He doesn't fully understand my experience - he'll never viscerally understand it - but he is learning about it and, in learning about it, accepting it. Drew learned by reading about what he could do (he found MacDonald's book particularly helpful), by asking me specific questions, by listening and honoring my requests, and by paying close attention to my needs.
The hard work of healing is your responsibility. But, by covering a lot of ground quickly and well,* this article provides a great introduction to what your cheater can do to support you in that effort.
*Save for one glaring piece of wrong advice, to be discussed in a later post. [Update: I discuss what not to do here.]
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