Robert Weiss
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[I]t is the betrayal of relationship trust caused by consistent lying, rather than any specific sexual act, that both defines infidelity and causes the deepest pain to the betrayed partner. The emotional violation and trauma experienced by a spouse who is forced to live with ongoing secrets, lies, and the resulting denial of his or her own reality by a cheating partner is indeed deep. The sudden discovery or unraveling awareness that a long-term intimate partner has been living a secret life filled with sexual infidelity—whether that infidelity has been carried out in-vivo (affairs, prostitutes, anonymous sexual partners, etc.) or online (porn, webcams, social media, dating/hookup sites, etc.)—evokes feelings that lead the betrayed partner to question literally everything about his or her relationship.
It is frequently the case when working with a betrayed spouse or life-partner (much as it is with abused children) that the victim will begin to question his or her own behavior, often experiencing guilt, shame, self-doubt, and remorse when reviewing the past. Attempting to establish some sort of emotional control over their grief, betrayed partners will turn on themselves as a source of the problem. It’s all too common for these individuals to think, “If I’d just been nicer, or better in bed, or thinner, or more emotionally supportive then he wouldn’t have turned to all those other women,” or, “If I made more money, was better endowed, had more hair, or drove a nicer car then she wouldn’t be meeting up with those old boyfriends she discovered on Facebook.” Betrayed spouses also find themselves examining feelings and misgivings they previously pushed aside when believing the lies they were told; oftentimes they wonder why they chose to ignore their self-protective instincts. Even worse, they may begin to question if they’ll ever be able to regain the trust they need to stay in this or any other relationship.
This negative self-appraisal is both normal and an understandable part of the grief process—especially when the source of that grief is the loss of what one thought his or her primary relationship to be. In cases involving repetitive patterns of cheating, betrayal, and lies, a wide range of powerful emotions are likely to be unleashed and to stick around for quite some time. Some more common responses to learning about a loved one’s infidelity include:
- Shock/Despair/Depression – The betrayed spouse is oftentimes numb and somewhat unable to function. Other people may be livid and screaming that they should take action (separation, divorce, etc.), but early on the betrayed spouse is more often seeking insight, validation for his or her feelings, and emotional stability as opposed to drastic action.
- Self-Doubt/Remorse/Shame – As stated above, many betrayed spouses blame themselves for not having seen the patterns of lying and deceit, and for not acting sooner. Some will tell no one about what they are going through due to shame and fear of judgment. Sadly, this leaves them isolated in their fear and hurt.
- Honeymooning – Some betrayed spouses move full-force into romance/seduction mode, thinking that if they provide enough sex, their partner won’t “need” to stray.
- Blaming Third-Parties – Betrayed spouses often direct the brunt of their anger onto the person (or people) with whom their partner cheated, viewing their spouse as an “innocent victim” of someone else’s unscrupulous behavior. Cheating partners are supportive of this, as it takes the heat off them.
- Detective work – Betrayed spouses often go through cell phone and credit card bills, wallets, and pockets, and ask endless questions, all in an attempt to understand the entirety of what has occurred.
- PTSD Symptoms Such as Rage, Mood Swings, Withdrawal, and Hyper-Vigilance – Betrayed spouses will display love and then become rageful for no overtly obvious reason. For example: inadvertently seeing a sexualized image in a magazine ad or watching a romantic movie scene can trigger feelings of hurt, insecurity, and anger.
- Poor Boundaries – Lacking others who will understand and wanting to lash out, a rage-filled spouse may act in ways he or she later regrets. This behavior may include co-opting children by telling them “what daddy or mommy did to me,” and telling bosses, mothers, and others about the infidelity. Some spouses will resort to verbal and even physical abuse toward the unfaithful partner.
He kept swearing to me, “This time I’m telling you everything.” Or sometimes he would get angry, saying, “Why do you keep bugging me? I’ve told you the truth.” But then a few days or a week later there would be another revelation or I’d find something new on his cell phone or computer. Eventually, my faith in him and his willingness to tell me the truth was so thoroughly destroyed that I started to feel like Humpty Dumpty. He had knocked me over and shattered me over and over, and I just wasn’t sure that he or I or anyone else could put me back together again. Throughout this process I felt like my life-foundation was crumbling beneath me. The truth was awful, the lies were worse. I quickly turned into someone I barely recognized, shouting and raging at him one moment, eating and spending his money as fast I could to feel better (extract revenge) the next. Within a few weeks I couldn’t concentrate at home or at work, and I nearly lost my job. If I hadn’t worked there for so long, I probably would have.
Why Disclose Past Infidelity?
Betrayed partners [...] often ask for complete disclosure. Reasons for this include:
- To validate their suspicions about what was happening in the relationship—suspicions their spouse dismissed and/or denied at the time
- To know if they’re at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, financial disaster, public humiliation, etc.
- To determine if and to what degree the cheating partner values their relationship
- To gain a sense of control over an out-of-control situation
- To help them determine how to proceed (or not proceed) with the relationship
- To see what else their spouse has lied about, as trust isn’t partial and betrayed spouses lose faith in everything about the relationship, not just things related to sex
I cannot emphasize strongly enough the need for disclosure to be carefully planned, organized, and carried out in a clinical setting. This process should not be undertaken without the supervision and involvement of licensed clinician(s) who have worked with both parties to prepare them for the process and potential outcomes of disclosure—as the sharing of this history, even in a safe, controlled, therapeutic setting, is unavoidably a traumatic event.
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Recently, I wrote about how knowing the details of the affair(s) helps to diffuse their power, but I didn't really touch on the trauma associated with suddenly having to question the truth of one's history. This article links these ideas.
This article also, like others, lists common reactions to discovering a serious betrayal. I find myself comforted every time I read these lists, because I often feel so nuts. But my obsessive detective work? Turns out that's normal. Blaming myself? Normal. Rages, withdrawal, depression? Normal, normal, normal.
But I think this piece's most distinctive contribution is its list of reasons why a betrayed partner would want complete disclosure. Most pieces and people advising either the betrayed or cheater note the importance of full disclosure to rebuilding trust, but without explaining why, and the cheater often remains baffled as to why the betrayed would want to know so many seemingly irrelevant details.
One or more of the reasons listed above applied to nearly every question I asked Drew about his affairs. But I would add a few.
First, there's the need to reconstruct a narrative. The betrayer is the only person who knows what actually happened, the reality of any given experience. For years after learning of my father's infidelities, my sister and I would call each other up after a sudden insight to say, "Oh, that's why - " If the cheater is willing to come clean, to answer questions honestly, it may save the betrayed partner years of thought-time spent wondering what actually happened (which is not to say the betrayed partner won't still waste time wondering, because how are we to know if the question was answered honestly? - but hopefully that time will be minimized).
Another is the desire to re-establish exclusivity - and its counterpart, which is breaking down the exclusivity your partner created with someone else. Long-term relationships are often about exclusivity, even if they're not about monogamy. This is the person you share your hopes and dreams with. This is the person you share the deepest, ugliest parts of yourself with. This is the person you share your fears with. This is the person with whom you've decided to be at your most vulnerable, because you can trust them with your vulnerability. And suddenly, this is the person who betrays you. No wonder we feel traumatized - this is one of the ultimate trust violations. I can certainly understand why some people might decide they never want to talk to their betrayer again. I happened to feel differently - almost immediately, I wanted to know everything, I wanted in to this separate zone he had created. And I wanted to break down any of the exclusive relationships he had built with the other women - I wanted to know the secrets they shared, the things they were embarrassed about, anything they had confessed to that they wouldn't want me to know.
Many of the answers to my questions were incredibly painful to hear. I often needed days - sometimes months - to get over specific ones. But no matter how awful the truth, the lies were worse.
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