A (Potentially) Positive Influence

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
Affaircare

[...]

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse.

[...]

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony.

[...]

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

[...]

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

• What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.
• Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.
• You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.

[...]

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.
 
[Descriptions of the range of emotions and reactions a betrayed partner experiences: disbelief, shock, reality, confusion, physical symptoms, crying, self-control, need to know, asking why, injustice, inadequacy, repeating, idealizing, frustration, bitterness, waiting, emotions in conflict, triggers.]

[Descriptions of what the betrayer can do to help, including getting into therapy, apologizing, recognizing your partner wants to get better, hiding nothing and opening everything, spending time together, physical touch, sharing feelings of guilt and shame, letting them know you are happy to recommit.]

[Descriptions of subsequent stages for the betrayed partner, including hope, commitment,seeking, peace, life opening up, and forgiveness.]

We Are Responsible For Our Lives

Ten Angry Boys
in Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life From Dear Sugar
Sugar (Cheryl Strayed)

[W]e do not have the right to feel helpless . . . . [W]e must help ourselves. That after destiny has delivered what it delivers, we are responsible for our lives.

A Temporary Sense of Self-Righteousness

Anger Problems: What They Say About You
Steven Stosny

Anger is the primary protective emotion, designed to protect us from harm or from loss of something of value. The most physical of all emotions, anger sends action signals to the muscles and organs of the body to prepare us for one purpose and one purpose only: to neutralize or defeat the perceived threat.

Two factors go into the formulation of anger: current vulnerability and magnitude of the perceived threat. Relatively little threat will cause anger when vulnerability is elevated, for example when physical resources are low - you're tired, hungry, sick, injured, depressed, anxious, stressed - or when self-doubt is high, making you more easily insulted.

Problem anger (that which leads you to act against your long-term best interests) is caused by high vulnerability. It is the most self-revealing of emotional states, pointing directly to a powerful cause of vulnerability: a sudden drop in core value.

[...]

[I]f you blame your unfair behavior on someone else - a spouse or boss or the IRS - you will become angry or resentful and utterly powerless to restore genuine self-regard. That's right, while angry or resentful, it is nearly impossible for you to restore self-regard on your own, because now it requires that someone submit to what you want. The best you can hope for while angry or resentful is a temporary sense of self-righteousness.

When out of touch with your deepest values, you are more likely to act on ego - how you expect other people to regard you. Once again, your self-regard will depend not on what you do, but on the regard of others (who are likely to be preoccupied with their own self-regard.) In short, you will be become more vulnerable. Because it is controlled by others, ego requires manipulating the impressions of others to preserve and lots of resentment and anger to defend. Preserving and defending your ego will usually lead to violating your deepest values.

[...]

Overcoming anger problems requires much more than managing the emotional feelings and physiological arousal of anger, as anger management classes strive to do. Eliminating anger problems depends on a choice of what kind of person you want to be - an angry, resentful person who struggles to manage negative feelings and arousal, or one who lives securely in your core value.

If Only They Would . . .

Elliptical
Harryette Mullen

They just can't seem to . . . They should try harder to . . . They ought to be more . . . We all wish they weren't so . . . They never . . . They always . . . Sometimes they . . . Once in a while they . . . However it is obvious that they . . . Their overall tendency has been . . . The consequences of which have been . . . They don't appear to understand that . . . If only they would make an effort to . . . But we know how difficult it is for them to . . . Many of them remain unaware of . . . Some who should know better simply refuse to . . . Of course, their perspective has been limited by . . . On the other hand, they obviously feel entitled to . . . Certainly we can't forget that they . . . Nor can it be denied that they . . . We know that this has had an enormous impact on their . . . Nevertheless their behavior strikes us as . . . Our interactions unfortunately have been . . .

The Next Right Thing

Crystal Balls and Stepping Into The Next Right Thing
Elle

[...]

[O]ur feelings, which so many of us spend considerable time and effort trying to avoid, are simply guides. They are our "personal prophets" pointing the way toward the next right thing. [...] Not THE right thing.  But the NEXT right thing. Big difference.

Let me explain.

Many of us, post D-Day [...] spend the next weeks and months mentally spinning in terror because we're faced with a HUGE decision. Do we stay and rebuild our marriage? Or leave and rebuild a life without him? I spent about two years in that suspended state of fear. Stay or go? My hand constantly on the door handle. My bags metaphorically packed. "One wrong move, buddy..." could have been my motto.

Of course, underscoring that BIG QUESTION is the deeper fear: Will my heart be broken again?

[...]

I wish I could guarantee that every guy who cheats works tirelessly to become a man who deserves that second (or sometimes third) chance.

Some guys do exactly that, of course, and their marriages become stronger and richer as a result. But we all also know that many do not. That many squander that second (or third) chance and break their wives' hearts all over again.

In the absence of a crystal ball, you need to pay attention to those feelings, those "personal prophets".

They can't predict THE right thing to do, but they can guide toward the NEXT right thing.

[P]erhaps the NEXT right thing is to pour yourself a cup of tea and watch your baby sleep instead of asking your spouse, for a zillionth time, why he cheated.

Perhaps the NEXT right thing is to make an appointment to see a lawyer and figure out your financial situation in case you decide you can't stay in the marriage. Perhaps the NEXT right thing is to change the locks. Or maybe it's to have coffee with a friend who you can trust with your pain.

Living this way eliminates [...] eliminates the paralysis that comes with trying to make decisions that you're simply not ready to make. Whether or not to end the marriage? Maybe that's your NEXT right thing...but maybe you just need to separate. Or sleep in separate bedrooms. Or take a weekend holiday together.

Pay attention to those personal prophets and let them guide you to your NEXT right thing.

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Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

The Saddest Lines

Untitled
Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer
and these the last verse that I write for her.

Translated from the Spanish by W.S. Merwin.

The Truth Was Awful, The Lies Were Worse

Sex and Relationship Infidelity: A Betrayed Partner's Need to Know the Truth
Robert Weiss

[...]

[I]t is the betrayal of relationship trust caused by consistent lying, rather than any specific sexual act, that both defines infidelity and causes the deepest pain to the betrayed partner. The emotional violation and trauma experienced by a spouse who is forced to live with ongoing secrets, lies, and the resulting denial of his or her own reality by a cheating partner is indeed deep. The sudden discovery or unraveling awareness that a long-term intimate partner has been living a secret life filled with sexual infidelity—whether that infidelity has been carried out in-vivo (affairs, prostitutes, anonymous sexual partners, etc.) or online (porn, webcams, social media, dating/hookup sites, etc.)—evokes feelings that lead the betrayed partner to question literally everything about his or her relationship.

It is frequently the case when working with a betrayed spouse or life-partner (much as it is with abused children) that the victim will begin to question his or her own behavior, often experiencing guilt, shame, self-doubt, and remorse when reviewing the past. Attempting to establish some sort of emotional control over their grief, betrayed partners will turn on themselves as a source of the problem. It’s all too common for these individuals to think, “If I’d just been nicer, or better in bed, or thinner, or more emotionally supportive then he wouldn’t have turned to all those other women,” or, “If I made more money, was better endowed, had more hair, or drove a nicer car then she wouldn’t be meeting up with those old boyfriends she discovered on Facebook.” Betrayed spouses also find themselves examining feelings and misgivings they previously pushed aside when believing the lies they were told; oftentimes they wonder why they chose to ignore their self-protective instincts. Even worse, they may begin to question if they’ll ever be able to regain the trust they need to stay in this or any other relationship.

This negative self-appraisal is both normal and an understandable part of the grief process—especially when the source of that grief is the loss of what one thought his or her primary relationship to be. In cases involving repetitive patterns of cheating, betrayal, and lies, a wide range of powerful emotions are likely to be unleashed and to stick around for quite some time. Some more common responses to learning about a loved one’s infidelity include:

• Shock/Despair/Depression – The betrayed spouse is oftentimes numb and somewhat unable to function. Other people may be livid and screaming that they should take action (separation, divorce, etc.), but early on the betrayed spouse is more often seeking insight, validation for his or her feelings, and emotional stability as opposed to drastic action.
• Self-Doubt/Remorse/Shame – As stated above, many betrayed spouses blame themselves for not having seen the patterns of lying and deceit, and for not acting sooner. Some will tell no one about what they are going through due to shame and fear of judgment. Sadly, this leaves them isolated in their fear and hurt.
• Honeymooning – Some betrayed spouses move full-force into romance/seduction mode, thinking that if they provide enough sex, their partner won’t “need” to stray.
• Blaming Third-Parties – Betrayed spouses often direct the brunt of their anger onto the person (or people) with whom their partner cheated, viewing their spouse as an “innocent victim” of someone else’s unscrupulous behavior. Cheating partners are supportive of this, as it takes the heat off them.
• Detective work – Betrayed spouses often go through cell phone and credit card bills, wallets, and pockets, and ask endless questions, all in an attempt to understand the entirety of what has occurred.
• PTSD Symptoms Such as Rage, Mood Swings, Withdrawal, and Hyper-Vigilance – Betrayed spouses will display love and then become rageful for no overtly obvious reason. For example: inadvertently seeing a sexualized image in a magazine ad or watching a romantic movie scene can trigger feelings of hurt, insecurity, and anger.
• Poor Boundaries – Lacking others who will understand and wanting to lash out, a rage-filled spouse may act in ways he or she later regrets. This behavior may include co-opting children by telling them “what daddy or mommy did to me,” and telling bosses, mothers, and others about the infidelity. Some spouses will resort to verbal and even physical abuse toward the unfaithful partner.

[...]

He kept swearing to me, “This time I’m telling you everything.” Or sometimes he would get angry, saying, “Why do you keep bugging me? I’ve told you the truth.” But then a few days or a week later there would be another revelation or I’d find something new on his cell phone or computer. Eventually, my faith in him and his willingness to tell me the truth was so thoroughly destroyed that I started to feel like Humpty Dumpty. He had knocked me over and shattered me over and over, and I just wasn’t sure that he or I or anyone else could put me back together again. Throughout this process I felt like my life-foundation was crumbling beneath me. The truth was awful, the lies were worse. I quickly turned into someone I barely recognized, shouting and raging at him one moment, eating and spending his money as fast I could to feel better (extract revenge) the next. Within a few weeks I couldn’t concentrate at home or at work, and I nearly lost my job. If I hadn’t worked there for so long, I probably would have.

Why Disclose Past Infidelity?

Betrayed partners [...] often ask for complete disclosure. Reasons for this include:

• To validate their suspicions about what was happening in the relationship—suspicions their spouse dismissed and/or denied at the time
• To know if they’re at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, financial disaster, public humiliation, etc.
• To determine if and to what degree the cheating partner values their relationship
• To gain a sense of control over an out-of-control situation
• To help them determine how to proceed (or not proceed) with the relationship
• To see what else their spouse has lied about, as trust isn’t partial and betrayed spouses lose faith in everything about the relationship, not just things related to sex

For couples wishing to remain together, full disclosure all at once protects betrayed spouses from the continued emotional body blows produced by partial truths revealed over time. It also increases the odds that trust can be rebuilt. An unfaithful spouse who tells the full truth and then continues to be honest about his or her behavior has a much better chance of eventually regaining the respect of the betrayed partner.

I cannot emphasize strongly enough the need for disclosure to be carefully planned, organized, and carried out in a clinical setting. This process should not be undertaken without the supervision and involvement of licensed clinician(s) who have worked with both parties to prepare them for the process and potential outcomes of disclosure—as the sharing of this history, even in a safe, controlled, therapeutic setting, is unavoidably a traumatic event.

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