This is Beginning Ever

Doing, a filthy pleasure is, and short
Gaius Petronius (trans. Ben Jonson)

Doing, a filthy pleasure is, and short;
And done, we straight repent us of the sport:
Let us not then rush blindly on unto it,
Like lustful beasts, that only know to do it:
For lust will languish, and that heat decay.
But thus, thus, keeping endless holiday,
Let us together closely lie and kiss,
There is no labour, nor no shame in this;
This hath pleased, doth please, and long will please; never
Can this decay, but is beginning ever.

After a few days of both my husband and I being incredibly stressed out and defensive, we were lying in bed together, and I had a familiar urge - I wanted to initiate sex. Not because I was horny, or turned on, but rather to get some physical assurance of his love for me. And a break from thinking too much about our relationship. Sexual healing, if you will.

I'd done this in the past, and almost invariably, if it started this way, it wouldn't go well. It wouldn't go badly - the sex and orgasm would be . . . fine. But that desired feeling of being cherished? It usually wouldn't materialize - my/our approach to lovemaking tends more toward ass smacking than sweet nothings. But even so, the next time I felt that emotional hunger, I'd turn towards him again, turn my face up to his, stroke his leg -

Except this time. Instead, I turned toward him, turned my face up to his, and said that I really wanted to have sex with him for the wrong reasons - not because I was particularly attracted to him at that moment, but because I wanted to feel loved, to feel his love, to feel that with the language of touch.

He was a bit confused and asked if we couldn't have that with sex?

I said that I didn't think we could, at least not the way we have sex now - but that I thought we could with touch. So I asked if he was alright with just kissing, just cuddling?

He responded with a warm yes and a kiss.

And we held each other and kissed, sometimes softly, sometimes passionately, sometimes sweetly - until we fell asleep. And I felt loved and cherished.

I'm not only learning how to ask for what I want - apologies, hugs, time off from being a parent - when I want it, I'm also learning what I actually want.

Loving is beginning ever.