Cheap Forgiveness v. Genuine Forgiveness

How Can I Forgive You: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To
Janis A. Spring

We are all searching for an answer, some new approach, that frees us from the corrosive effects of hate, gives voice to the injustice, and helps us to make peace with the person who hurt us and with ourselves. . . . I hope I can give you the courage to forgive, and the freedom not to.

The Only Life You Can Save

The Journey
Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

You Have To Love

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

-- Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

It's My Place

My Place
David Ignatow

I have a place to come to.
It's my place. I come to it
morning, noon and night
and it is there. I expect it
to be there whether or not
it expects me--my place
where I start from and go
towards so that I know
where I am going and what
I am going from, making me
firm in my direction.

[...]

A Story of the Affairs

Confidence in the Present
Cerebral Spouse

[...]

I was working to build a story of the affair in my mind that went beyond dates and events. If I was going to be confident that she was truly committed to the marriage, I needed to understand how she reached that point after being so far away from it. I needed to be able trace a path from our marriage slowly deteriorating, to her developing feelings for the other guy, and finally to her working through those feelings and recommitting herself to me.

My confidence in that story would be based on how well it matched with her behavior and the details about the affair that I had been able to confirm. I knew my information was imperfect with plenty of loose ends, but it at least had to make logical sense so I could be reasonably confident that I had the truth. The challenge was that we were still discussing the affair and uncovering new details. If new information didn’t fit into my story, then it must mean that my understanding of events wasn’t correct.

Multiple times we followed a similar pattern. We would have a conversation where some new piece of information would come out, and I would spend two or three days analyzing it. It could be a completely casual conversation where we only touched for a brief moment on the affair, and the new information could be a seemingly innocuous detail. Even a minor detail though could contradict something significant, which could ultimately destroy my entire story. It was as if every time I learned something new, the story of the affair became tentative until I could verify that new piece of information logically fit.

[...]

Each time a new detail fit, it gave me an additional bit of confidence that I wasn’t going to eventually find a significant contradiction. Each time she shared something new, it was another step closer to complete and open honesty. I chose to focus on our positive progress as opposed to dwell on suspicions. If she revealed something now that she had previously held back, for example, I focused on her current honesty as opposed to her past obfuscation.

While my confidence in the present is dependent on my understanding of the past, I know my story of the affair will never be entirely complete. I’ve reached the point though where I’ve lost interested in filling in any remaining details. At some point you need to let the doubts go and focus on moving forward with your marriage. It took time and a hell of a lot of work, but I think we’re finally there. 

Behind the Eight Ball

Without a Doubt: Coping with Indecision
Elle 

The overwhelming question once we've learned about our husband's affair (apart from "what the HELL was he thinking?" and "how can I make it look like an accident") is whether we should stay in the marriage, or toss him out. 

Oh, to have a crystal ball. Or even a Magic 8 ball that offers up something more decisive than "Ask again later". 

Perhaps better than relying on outside oracles is to learn to tap into our own.

[...] 

[W]hen your focus is on the time and energy you've invested in an endeavour [or person] rather than the love, joy, and gratification you've gained, you're probably settling. It doesn't matter if you've spent five years or thirty with someone if many of those years have been unfulfilling. But if you can honestly say that, within the time you've invested, you've experienced much joy and contentment, then it might be worth a second chance. The emphasis isn't on the investment but on the returns you've already experienced. 

When you're making excuses about why you should stay put rather than going for what you truly want, you're probably settling. Sometimes we truly need to stay put in order to create circumstances that allow us to leave safely. But it's important to be honest with yourself about whether those reasons for staying are legitimate or simply excuses to allow indecision. If you stay, make sure that's a choice and not an abdication of choice. Similarly, if you leave, make sure it's a choice and not something you feel you should do because that's what our culture would have you believe. 

Perhaps the wisest question we can ask is that age-old Ann Landers nugget: Am I better off with him or without him? 

If you can't hear your inner oracle over the deafening sound of your own breaking heart and our culture's collective roar to kick him to the curb, then the wisest course of action might be what the Magic 8 Ball recommends: Ask again later.

 ***

Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

Trust of One's Self

Post-Traumatic Relationship Syndrome
ProQuest Information and Learning Company

[...]

Not only does attachment trauma bring up issues regarding trust of others, but it also raises issues of trust of one's self by calling into question one's judgement of character. How one's view of others could be so erroneous becomes a puzzle, and if one's assessment of character was so wrong in the case of the perpetrator, how does one know that the assessment of the character of others in one's social world is accurate?

[...]

Apologize, Apologize, Apologize

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
Affaircare

[...] 

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

[...]

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

• A statement of gratitude.
• An expression of your love.
• An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.
• An admission that you caused their pain.
• An expression of your sense of shame.
• A promise that it will never happen again

[...]

Wish for Another Poem

The Wish
Louise Gluck

Remember that time you made the wish?

     I make a lot of wishes.

The time I lied to you
about the butterfly. I always wondered
what you wished for.

     What do you think I wished?

I don't know. That I'd come back,
that we'd somehow be together in the end.

     I wished for what I always wish for.
     I wished for another poem.

Green Garnet

"It strengthens stability in lawsuits and challenges, transforming lower forms of response and reaction to loving forms of reply."

-- CrystalVaults.com (link to source)

A Knowing That She Was Okay

So Much More
Terri St. Cloud

yes, there was sadness,
but there was so much more.
belief in herself.
strength that kept growing
and a knowing that she was okay.
and would always be okay.
no one could take that away now.

Bad Advice For Cheaters

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
Affaircare

[...] 

PHYSICAL CONTACT: [A betrayed partner] may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

[...]

The Questions You Should Be Asking

Why You Should Stop Asking "Why" . . . And Instead Ask "Why Bother"
Elle

"Men don't cheat because of who she is, they cheat because of who they're not."
~Charles J. Orlando, author of "The Problem with Women...Is Men"

[...]

Your task, post-betrayal, is to keep yourself strong. No easy task. It means extreme self-care – avoiding anyone who isn't loyal to you; it means avoiding any commitment that makes you feel more vulnerable; it means eating and sleeping; it means avoiding excess (or any!) alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping or other means of numbing your feelings. And it means stopping, at least for now, asking "why".

Your husband likely can't tell you. Not really. People who cheat aren't generally the most self-aware. They can learn self-awareness and the fallout from cheating often spurs them in that direction. Decent people who cheat are often so disgusted with themselves that they want to know how they were able to do such a thing in order to ensure they'll never do it again. But there are plenty of guys equally disgusted with themselves who simply can't admit that – it's far easier to blame something outside of themselves (your work schedule; their boss) than own up to their moral failing.

The first group generally make rebuilding a marriage as easy as it can be (which, frankly, still isn't easy); the second make it a whole lot harder and should prompt you to ask whether or not it's worth trying. Without a clear understanding of how people can use other people to avoid feeling pain or shame or loneliness or stress, there's little to prevent them from doing it again.

As Charles J. Orlando points out in the quote above, men cheat because of what's missing in them, because of who they're not. Who they're not is a guy who recognizes when he's seeking escape in an unhealthy way. Who they're not is a guy who recognizes the damage created by cheating before he does it.

Instead of asking why he cheated, the question you should be asking is why – and if – he deserves the chance to rebuild your marriage. It's the question he should be asking himself too.

***

Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

"Why?" Over and Over

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
Affaircare

[...] 

WHY: [The betrayed spouse asks], “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

 [...]

Independence Day

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any."

--Alice Walker

A (Potentially) Positive Influence

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
Affaircare

[...]

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse.

[...]

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony.

[...]

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

[...]

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

• What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.
• Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.
• You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.

[...]

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.
 
[Descriptions of the range of emotions and reactions a betrayed partner experiences: disbelief, shock, reality, confusion, physical symptoms, crying, self-control, need to know, asking why, injustice, inadequacy, repeating, idealizing, frustration, bitterness, waiting, emotions in conflict, triggers.]

[Descriptions of what the betrayer can do to help, including getting into therapy, apologizing, recognizing your partner wants to get better, hiding nothing and opening everything, spending time together, physical touch, sharing feelings of guilt and shame, letting them know you are happy to recommit.]

[Descriptions of subsequent stages for the betrayed partner, including hope, commitment,seeking, peace, life opening up, and forgiveness.]

We Are Responsible For Our Lives

Ten Angry Boys
in Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life From Dear Sugar
Sugar (Cheryl Strayed)

[W]e do not have the right to feel helpless . . . . [W]e must help ourselves. That after destiny has delivered what it delivers, we are responsible for our lives.

A Temporary Sense of Self-Righteousness

Anger Problems: What They Say About You
Steven Stosny

Anger is the primary protective emotion, designed to protect us from harm or from loss of something of value. The most physical of all emotions, anger sends action signals to the muscles and organs of the body to prepare us for one purpose and one purpose only: to neutralize or defeat the perceived threat.

Two factors go into the formulation of anger: current vulnerability and magnitude of the perceived threat. Relatively little threat will cause anger when vulnerability is elevated, for example when physical resources are low - you're tired, hungry, sick, injured, depressed, anxious, stressed - or when self-doubt is high, making you more easily insulted.

Problem anger (that which leads you to act against your long-term best interests) is caused by high vulnerability. It is the most self-revealing of emotional states, pointing directly to a powerful cause of vulnerability: a sudden drop in core value.

[...]

[I]f you blame your unfair behavior on someone else - a spouse or boss or the IRS - you will become angry or resentful and utterly powerless to restore genuine self-regard. That's right, while angry or resentful, it is nearly impossible for you to restore self-regard on your own, because now it requires that someone submit to what you want. The best you can hope for while angry or resentful is a temporary sense of self-righteousness.

When out of touch with your deepest values, you are more likely to act on ego - how you expect other people to regard you. Once again, your self-regard will depend not on what you do, but on the regard of others (who are likely to be preoccupied with their own self-regard.) In short, you will be become more vulnerable. Because it is controlled by others, ego requires manipulating the impressions of others to preserve and lots of resentment and anger to defend. Preserving and defending your ego will usually lead to violating your deepest values.

[...]

Overcoming anger problems requires much more than managing the emotional feelings and physiological arousal of anger, as anger management classes strive to do. Eliminating anger problems depends on a choice of what kind of person you want to be - an angry, resentful person who struggles to manage negative feelings and arousal, or one who lives securely in your core value.

If Only They Would . . .

Elliptical
Harryette Mullen

They just can't seem to . . . They should try harder to . . . They ought to be more . . . We all wish they weren't so . . . They never . . . They always . . . Sometimes they . . . Once in a while they . . . However it is obvious that they . . . Their overall tendency has been . . . The consequences of which have been . . . They don't appear to understand that . . . If only they would make an effort to . . . But we know how difficult it is for them to . . . Many of them remain unaware of . . . Some who should know better simply refuse to . . . Of course, their perspective has been limited by . . . On the other hand, they obviously feel entitled to . . . Certainly we can't forget that they . . . Nor can it be denied that they . . . We know that this has had an enormous impact on their . . . Nevertheless their behavior strikes us as . . . Our interactions unfortunately have been . . .

The Next Right Thing

Crystal Balls and Stepping Into The Next Right Thing
Elle

[...]

[O]ur feelings, which so many of us spend considerable time and effort trying to avoid, are simply guides. They are our "personal prophets" pointing the way toward the next right thing. [...] Not THE right thing.  But the NEXT right thing. Big difference.

Let me explain.

Many of us, post D-Day [...] spend the next weeks and months mentally spinning in terror because we're faced with a HUGE decision. Do we stay and rebuild our marriage? Or leave and rebuild a life without him? I spent about two years in that suspended state of fear. Stay or go? My hand constantly on the door handle. My bags metaphorically packed. "One wrong move, buddy..." could have been my motto.

Of course, underscoring that BIG QUESTION is the deeper fear: Will my heart be broken again?

[...]

I wish I could guarantee that every guy who cheats works tirelessly to become a man who deserves that second (or sometimes third) chance.

Some guys do exactly that, of course, and their marriages become stronger and richer as a result. But we all also know that many do not. That many squander that second (or third) chance and break their wives' hearts all over again.

In the absence of a crystal ball, you need to pay attention to those feelings, those "personal prophets".

They can't predict THE right thing to do, but they can guide toward the NEXT right thing.

[P]erhaps the NEXT right thing is to pour yourself a cup of tea and watch your baby sleep instead of asking your spouse, for a zillionth time, why he cheated.

Perhaps the NEXT right thing is to make an appointment to see a lawyer and figure out your financial situation in case you decide you can't stay in the marriage. Perhaps the NEXT right thing is to change the locks. Or maybe it's to have coffee with a friend who you can trust with your pain.

Living this way eliminates [...] eliminates the paralysis that comes with trying to make decisions that you're simply not ready to make. Whether or not to end the marriage? Maybe that's your NEXT right thing...but maybe you just need to separate. Or sleep in separate bedrooms. Or take a weekend holiday together.

Pay attention to those personal prophets and let them guide you to your NEXT right thing.

***

Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

The Saddest Lines

Untitled
Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer
and these the last verse that I write for her.

Translated from the Spanish by W.S. Merwin.

The Truth Was Awful, The Lies Were Worse

Sex and Relationship Infidelity: A Betrayed Partner's Need to Know the Truth
Robert Weiss

[...]

[I]t is the betrayal of relationship trust caused by consistent lying, rather than any specific sexual act, that both defines infidelity and causes the deepest pain to the betrayed partner. The emotional violation and trauma experienced by a spouse who is forced to live with ongoing secrets, lies, and the resulting denial of his or her own reality by a cheating partner is indeed deep. The sudden discovery or unraveling awareness that a long-term intimate partner has been living a secret life filled with sexual infidelity—whether that infidelity has been carried out in-vivo (affairs, prostitutes, anonymous sexual partners, etc.) or online (porn, webcams, social media, dating/hookup sites, etc.)—evokes feelings that lead the betrayed partner to question literally everything about his or her relationship.

It is frequently the case when working with a betrayed spouse or life-partner (much as it is with abused children) that the victim will begin to question his or her own behavior, often experiencing guilt, shame, self-doubt, and remorse when reviewing the past. Attempting to establish some sort of emotional control over their grief, betrayed partners will turn on themselves as a source of the problem. It’s all too common for these individuals to think, “If I’d just been nicer, or better in bed, or thinner, or more emotionally supportive then he wouldn’t have turned to all those other women,” or, “If I made more money, was better endowed, had more hair, or drove a nicer car then she wouldn’t be meeting up with those old boyfriends she discovered on Facebook.” Betrayed spouses also find themselves examining feelings and misgivings they previously pushed aside when believing the lies they were told; oftentimes they wonder why they chose to ignore their self-protective instincts. Even worse, they may begin to question if they’ll ever be able to regain the trust they need to stay in this or any other relationship.

This negative self-appraisal is both normal and an understandable part of the grief process—especially when the source of that grief is the loss of what one thought his or her primary relationship to be. In cases involving repetitive patterns of cheating, betrayal, and lies, a wide range of powerful emotions are likely to be unleashed and to stick around for quite some time. Some more common responses to learning about a loved one’s infidelity include:

• Shock/Despair/Depression – The betrayed spouse is oftentimes numb and somewhat unable to function. Other people may be livid and screaming that they should take action (separation, divorce, etc.), but early on the betrayed spouse is more often seeking insight, validation for his or her feelings, and emotional stability as opposed to drastic action.
• Self-Doubt/Remorse/Shame – As stated above, many betrayed spouses blame themselves for not having seen the patterns of lying and deceit, and for not acting sooner. Some will tell no one about what they are going through due to shame and fear of judgment. Sadly, this leaves them isolated in their fear and hurt.
• Honeymooning – Some betrayed spouses move full-force into romance/seduction mode, thinking that if they provide enough sex, their partner won’t “need” to stray.
• Blaming Third-Parties – Betrayed spouses often direct the brunt of their anger onto the person (or people) with whom their partner cheated, viewing their spouse as an “innocent victim” of someone else’s unscrupulous behavior. Cheating partners are supportive of this, as it takes the heat off them.
• Detective work – Betrayed spouses often go through cell phone and credit card bills, wallets, and pockets, and ask endless questions, all in an attempt to understand the entirety of what has occurred.
• PTSD Symptoms Such as Rage, Mood Swings, Withdrawal, and Hyper-Vigilance – Betrayed spouses will display love and then become rageful for no overtly obvious reason. For example: inadvertently seeing a sexualized image in a magazine ad or watching a romantic movie scene can trigger feelings of hurt, insecurity, and anger.
• Poor Boundaries – Lacking others who will understand and wanting to lash out, a rage-filled spouse may act in ways he or she later regrets. This behavior may include co-opting children by telling them “what daddy or mommy did to me,” and telling bosses, mothers, and others about the infidelity. Some spouses will resort to verbal and even physical abuse toward the unfaithful partner.

[...]

He kept swearing to me, “This time I’m telling you everything.” Or sometimes he would get angry, saying, “Why do you keep bugging me? I’ve told you the truth.” But then a few days or a week later there would be another revelation or I’d find something new on his cell phone or computer. Eventually, my faith in him and his willingness to tell me the truth was so thoroughly destroyed that I started to feel like Humpty Dumpty. He had knocked me over and shattered me over and over, and I just wasn’t sure that he or I or anyone else could put me back together again. Throughout this process I felt like my life-foundation was crumbling beneath me. The truth was awful, the lies were worse. I quickly turned into someone I barely recognized, shouting and raging at him one moment, eating and spending his money as fast I could to feel better (extract revenge) the next. Within a few weeks I couldn’t concentrate at home or at work, and I nearly lost my job. If I hadn’t worked there for so long, I probably would have.

Why Disclose Past Infidelity?

Betrayed partners [...] often ask for complete disclosure. Reasons for this include:

• To validate their suspicions about what was happening in the relationship—suspicions their spouse dismissed and/or denied at the time
• To know if they’re at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, financial disaster, public humiliation, etc.
• To determine if and to what degree the cheating partner values their relationship
• To gain a sense of control over an out-of-control situation
• To help them determine how to proceed (or not proceed) with the relationship
• To see what else their spouse has lied about, as trust isn’t partial and betrayed spouses lose faith in everything about the relationship, not just things related to sex

For couples wishing to remain together, full disclosure all at once protects betrayed spouses from the continued emotional body blows produced by partial truths revealed over time. It also increases the odds that trust can be rebuilt. An unfaithful spouse who tells the full truth and then continues to be honest about his or her behavior has a much better chance of eventually regaining the respect of the betrayed partner.

I cannot emphasize strongly enough the need for disclosure to be carefully planned, organized, and carried out in a clinical setting. This process should not be undertaken without the supervision and involvement of licensed clinician(s) who have worked with both parties to prepare them for the process and potential outcomes of disclosure—as the sharing of this history, even in a safe, controlled, therapeutic setting, is unavoidably a traumatic event.

[...]

A Great Day for Marriage

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right."

-- Obergefell v. Hodges, No. 14–556, slip op. at 28 (U.S. June 26, 2015) (Kennedy, J.).

You and I Endure That First Pain

Herman Finley
Jericho Brown

I didn't tell you that, in the end, he begged
For the end. Death like the bed after
The bedtime story. Death like a widening
Crack of light beneath the door.
He begged them to let him
Go so he could go. Said I want
To die. Then said kill me. Please.

You and I endure that first pain.
We just want to die. People with that
Other ultimately physical agony say
Kill me and know they won't discuss it
In therapy. Kill me. I'm thinking
Of him today because I want to die
And I am ashamed to say it. My thinking

Is red and sticky. Rather than kill me,
I'd like you to listen as I live
In a perpetual whine. Can't I still be
Somebody's baby? Say yes for yourself.
Call me sometime. Every day I wish to die,
Remind me how he insisted.
Kill me. And I'll live again.

Digging for Answers, Diffusing Their Power

Rebuilding My Past
CerebralSpouse

Imagine that you woke up one day and realized that all of your memories from the past couple of years were false.  Everything that you understand in your current life is based on your memories of past events, of how you got to the moment that you’re in now.  How much confidence could you have in your present life and your current relationships if those memories suddenly became unreliable?  Your first reaction to such an experience would most likely be to dig for answers, to reconstruct your memories according to reality.  Whether or not those memories were more pleasant than the ones you previously held would be secondary to your obsession with discovering the truth, and you would most likely be willing to restructure your view of the present according to that newly discovered reality. 

This is how I felt upon discovering my wife’s affair.  I suddenly realized that my memories from the past two years were inaccurate, but I had no idea what reality was.  Before I could focus on any attempt at moving forward, I had to reconstruct my memories of the past.  I needed to know when the affair started and how I could have been so blind to it.  I needed to know significant dates when my wife was with the other guy instead of with our family.  I needed to hear the truth behind lies that I been told.  Most of this wouldn’t be pleasant for me to hear, but at least it would be real. 

The problem was that as I started to get those details, they tainted my existing memories.  A family event that I used to look back on fondly now just felt like a façade masking our turmoil.  An evening that I spent alone with our two kids now just represented my ignorance as I recalled the lie my wife used to get out of the house.

 [...] 

I found myself confronted with conflicting goals.  I needed sufficient details of the affair to reconstruct my past, yet those details consumed me and tainted my positive memories.  My initial reaction was to try to suppress the negative thoughts, to be content with the information I had and put the past behind me.  But that would mean that my wife and I would have to essentially pretend that those events never occurred and never discuss them.  How could we build a marriage based on mutual trust when such a significant event in our lives was off limits?  How could I have an honest relationship with my wife if I was forever left with lingering doubts that I had been given the full story? 

Rather than trying to suppress the details of the affair, we had countless conversations about it.  Those were thoughts that were going haunt me anyway, so there was no point in making a futile attempt to avoid them.  I learned all about the other guy, confirmed suspicions that I had regarding specific dates and events, even asked details about the sex.  While it was obviously painful, forcing myself to thoroughly confront that information addressed a variety of symptoms of the affair. 

Your pride takes an enormous hit when you learn that your spouse has been having an affair without your knowledge.  I felt stupid for believing lies she told me.  I felt foolish as I recalled smug comments I had made over the years about our great life and solid marriage.  I felt naïve that I never considered an affair the remotest of possibilities.  But uncovering the details of that affair helped to restore my pride.  I may have been stupid and naïve in the past, but at least I was being intelligent now.  While it may have taken some time, I did discover those secrets.  My wife and the other guy were now the ones who looked naïve for thinking that they could keep the affair a secret from me. 

Married couples are supposed to share exclusive information with one another.  They share special moments and have knowledge about one another that no one else has.  One of the most difficult things for me to deal with was the knowledge that my wife and the other guy shared those things while I was an outsider to their relationship.  As I learned more about affair, I took that exclusive information from them.  Just like my positive memories became tainted by my knowledge of the affair, her memories now had to include the pain and embarrassment of revealing them to me.  It was as if the affair could only survive as long as its details remained hidden, and I could dismantle it piece by piece as I slowly uncovered its secrets. 

[...] 

[B]y directly confronting the details of the affair, I diffused its power over me.  I don’t have to avoid those ugly thoughts anymore because they don’t have the visceral effect on me that they used to.  The affair has just become another chapter in our marriage, and we’re more likely to joke about it now than argue about it.  It’s difficult for something to have power over you when you’ve reduced it to a punch line.

Absent Flowers Abounding

Absences
Donald Justice

It's snowing this afternoon and there are no flowers.
There is only this sound of falling, quiet and remote,
Like the memory of scales descending the white keys
Of a childhood piano--outside the window, palms!
And the heavy head of the cereus, inclining,
Soon to let down its white or yellow-white.

Now, only these poor snow-flowers in a heap,
Like the memory of a white dress cast down . . .
So much has fallen.

                             And I, who have listened for a step

All afternoon, hear it now, but already falling away,

Already in memory. And the terrible scales descending

On the silent piano; the snow; and the absent flowers

     abounding.

The Worst is Over - and You've Survived

The Worst is Over
Elle

[...]

Betrayal trauma was a notion I resisted. I remembered all too well my response when a friend asked the hypothetical question, "what would you do if your husband cheated." Back then, I knew exactly what I'd do. Dump him. I was so sure that I'd kick him out the house, march straight to a divorce lawyer, wipe my hands clean of him and move forward into my life. At no point did I imagine trauma. Wasn't that for people who'd been raped? Or prisoners of war? Or abused? A cheating husband might lead to anger, I thought, but not trauma.

File that quaint notion under the "yeah, right" category.

Following D-Day, I couldn't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, waking to panic. I felt powerless. Enraged. Terrified. One day I would feel numb but fine. The next, I couldn't get out of bed. I became a stranger to myself, entertaining thoughts of suicide. Anything to avoid this pain that I thought was endless.

Then a friend, who worked with adult survivors of sex abuse, suggested I was experiencing post-trauma.

She gently explained to me that betrayal is trauma. Her list of "symptoms" rang true.

I felt guilty, however, putting myself in the same list as rape victims. Or abuse survivors. I felt like my experience didn't warrant being traumatized. I should be able to get over this, I thought. I should be stronger.

But I wasn't.

I wish then that I'd heard those words:

The worst is over.

According to Judith Acosta, who wrote the HuffPo blog piece and a book entitled The Worst is Over, those are the most critical words a terrified and traumatized person needs to hear.

And, with the brilliance of hindsight, I know she's right.

Knowing that the worst is over – that gut-dropping, brain-scrambling discovery that what you thought was...wasn't won't ever be repeated because you'll never be caught so off-guard again – can help you breathe again. It can help you focus on what's ahead, instead of what's behind. It can give you the trust in yourself to know that you survived...and that the worst is, indeed, over.

If you can't believe that, then more trauma work is probably a good idea. If you find yourself hyper-vigilant for any signs of impending pain because you just don't think you could go through it again, find someone to hold your hand and your heart (a therapist is darn good at doing that!) while you heal.

But in the short-term just keep telling yourself the worst is over.

Because it's true.

***

Reprinted with permission. Many thanks, Elle! Read the whole post here.

Our First Father's Day

"The greatest thing a father can for his daughter is to love her mother."

-- Attributed to Many

Unknowing Victims, Hidden Harms

The Cheater's High

Robert Weiss

[...] 

For both genders, one reason for cheating, according to a study published last year, may be that “getting away with it” simply makes people feel good, emotionally and psychologically. While this research did not deal specifically with sexual activity, it did look at unethical behavior in general, and the findings can certainly be extrapolated to sexual activity.  

[...]

[G]iven the right circumstances—the cheating is perceived as victimless and there is no looming punishment—people actually tend to feel good about cheating, despite their moral and ethical beliefs.

[...]

All told, the results of the six trials in this study fly in the face of the long-held belief that unethical behavior triggers bad feelings in most people. The research showed instead that people may in fact enjoy the process of “getting away with something,” thanks to built-in neurobiological rewards of excitement and arousal. And it appears this is doubly true if and when they think their unethical behavior is not harming anyone. 

[...]

[T]he aforementioned research did not directly look at sexual or romantic infidelity. But sexual betrayal does in many ways mesh with the types of cheating studied, in that most people who cheat on their spouses and partners choose to view their behavior as harmless and victimless, reasoning that “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” And the fact that cheaters do often get away with their behavior, sometimes repeatedly and over long periods of time, merely reinforces this distortion.

[...]

As a clinician who specializes in the treatment of sexual disorders, I have worked with literally hundreds of men and women who have cheated on their committed partners. And I’ve heard every rationalization, justification, and minimization imaginable (and more than a few that are seemingly beyond imagination), but the primary rationalization nearly always boils down to some form of the following: “As long as he (or she) doesn’t find out, what difference does it make?” 

In other words, nearly every cheater I’ve ever worked with has convinced himself or herself that he or she is not hurting anyone. And this belief that what they are doing is victimless, coupled with their ability to repeatedly get away with it, allows them to experience the cheater's high. 

In reality, of course, sexual infidelity is far from victimless. Spouses and other family members are hurt by the cheater even before the infidelity is discovered, as active cheaters tend to be emotionally distant from loved ones; less sexual, physical, or loving toward their spouse; and also less available. Further, to get away with infidelity over and over again, cheaters often tell lies that make no sense, spend money or time that they don’t have, etc. 

[...]