How Can I Forgive You: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To
Janis A. Spring
We are all searching for an answer, some new approach, that frees us from the corrosive effects of hate, gives voice to the injustice, and helps us to make peace with the person who hurt us and with ourselves. . . . I hope I can give you the courage to forgive, and the freedom not to.
As helpful as writing in this blog is, firm deadlines for finishing my PhD are fast approaching. So I am going to take a break from regular posts for a few months to concentrate on my professional life. In the meantime, I leave you with Janis A. Spring's How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To.
It is incredibly clarifying. It helped me understand aspects of my relationship with Drew - and with my dad, with my brother, with my mother-in-law.
Most relevantly to this blog, it helped me understand how forgiveness isn't a free pass - it's something that should be - must be - earned. Forgiveness isn't obligatory, or to be taken for granted, and the person who truly earns it will not confuse it with permission to continue in the actions that led to the betrayal.
In discussing different responses to betrayal (infidelity or otherwise), Spring distinguishes between Cheap Forgiveness ("an inauthentic act of peacekeeping that resolves nothing"), Refusing to Forgive ("a rigid response that keeps you entombed in hate"), Acceptance ("a healing gift to yourself that asks nothing of the offender"), and Genuine Forgiveness ("a healing transaction, an intimate dance"). The first two are dangerous for the betrayed; the latter two are healthy responses. Acceptance allows you to move past a betrayal when you don't want anything to do with the betrayer or s/he is incapable of earning forgiveness; Genuine Forgiveness is the process by which forgiveness is earned. These responses are related to, but exist independently from, whether or not you reconcile with the betrayer.
Highly recommended, regardless of whether you are in limbo, divorcing, or reconciling.
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